Have you ever.......
Mood:  chillin'
Topic: Tara's Ramblings
There are times in our lives when it seems like the world is so full of confusions and questions that we dont really know which way to turn to make our dreams come true. There are times in our lives that everything seems to be coming together so perfectly that you can almost reach out and grab your dreams. Then there are still those times in our lives when we have to learn from all of the past mistakes we have made in our lives to prepare a brighter future for ourselves and move on to make a more stable and secure tomorrow for ourselves. With all of lives ups there are downs. When we feel like we have moved ahead 3 steps sometimes it feels like we have fallen back two. But we cant give up. We have to keep pushing and moving forward to reach the goals that we have set for ourselves and our future. I am still pushing forward to get to my "happily ever after."

Ending some of my procrastinating.....
Mood:  incredulous
Topic: Tara's Ramblings
I have been running myself ragged for the whole month of December. I was pushing myself with my hours at work and grabbed all the over-time I could.
I had a method behind my madness besides just christmas. I have been paying off the rest of my devorce. Within the next 2 weeks I will have the final $220.00 paid and I will have that out of the way. And the first thing on my New Years resolution ticked off. And I will finally be getting something done. I am starting to get my life on track. I also am going to be getting my credit cleaned up. I am feeling really good about myself and this year (2005) is going to be a good year.

Blues For Christmas
Mood:  hug me
Topic: Tara's Ramblings
For as long as I can remember the holidays have brought me down. As a child my mother and I used to go to my grandparents house and my uncle and aunts would come down and we would have Christmas. It was a family Christmas, even if it was a crazy dysfunctional family gathering , it was still family.
When my grandmother passed away what little bit of togetherness with my family I had fell apart. (And that was not much.)
After my grandmother passed away holidays were never the same. We never got together with our relatives anymore. Everyone just drifted and we had our own small Christmas just my mother and I. She would put up a tree and we would have a Christmas lunch and that was it. The feeling of Christmas that was there was

never there again. My mother being an alcoholic was drunk by 2pm so Christmases only lasted a few hours with me.
Every year I just get down over the holidays. I cant seem to shake the Christmas blues. And working in retail I see all of these families all happy and preparing for family celebrations and it just brings me down. And I can never seem to lift my mood. I go through the actions for my son but I just cant seem to shake this emptiness and fully get into the spirit of the holidays.

Snowflakes
Topic: Tara's Ramblings
I sit and watch the snow falling from my window. It is so beautiful and so clean. And it leaves everything smelling so crisp and clean. No snowflake duplicate but perfect none the less. As I sit here watching the snow I dream of things to come. I go into my fantasy world where everything is peaceful and content. The holidays have been so hectic and I have felt like I have been running in circles. I often get a little depressed during the holidays because it is a time of year for families to get together and celebrate. Being that it is just my son and I, I just get a little down. Even growing up we didn't celebrate during the holidays too much. So I turned into a female scrooge of sorts. But I will come out of this bit by bit for my son. Ive been feeling a little more content with my life though I have been running in circles with the upcoming holidays. I haven't wrote in a little while so I am kind of feeling at a loss for words.

Where'd she go?
Topic: Imaginary Boy's 2 Cents


Trying to do the right thing;play it straight
The right thing changes from state to state
Don't forget to take your mace
If you're out walking late

I liked to see your face
You left without a trace
Leave without a trace

-- Soul Asylum

Scars
Topic: Imaginary Boy's 2 Cents
I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And the scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel
-- "Scars" Papa Roach

Sound familiar? I think we've both been here.

The road not taken.....................
Topic: Tara's Ramblings
I have learned many things throughout my life's journey. I have learned that are a lot of people in this world that really don't care about anyone but themselves. But then there are people, and this is a group that I have always thought I have fallen into, that care too much for others. I had a really big blow up with a friend online today that left my heart really hurting. She was someone that I always admired and looked up to and someone that I have the utmost respect for. Granted I only knew what I knew of her from what I had gotten to know online. But all in all I still considered her a friend. A lot of hurtful things were said, and my "snail defense" kicked in again and I just pulled into my shell. I hate arguing so I really did'nt say a whole lot. I will avoid an argument at all costs. I really believe in trying to talk and be respectable. And I do my best to admit when I am wrong and I apologies.

But on the bright side I can't say that this is anything out of the ordinary... I've been misunderstood most of my life. Which is why I put a lot of time into my writing, poetry, and photography when I can. And I try to avoid life's soap opera's to the best of my ability. I guess all I can say is that the people that have taken the time to get to know me , know me the best. I just hate feeling that I have lost my friend that has been inspiring me to get back into my writing again. But I have always felt that your heart knows all truths. In your heart you know what is right and what is not. "shrugs" When the story lines prevail the true friends will still be there no matter what. It's just a chapter of the story of life.

This is why I like to write. It makes me feel a ton better, and better about myself. I know who I am and that's all that matters. I believe that the gods / a higher power have our lives mapped out for us when we are born. I have had this theory as long as I could remember. All of the trials that we come to along our path are the trials that were placed there to enable us to grow and make us stronger as a person. It may seem like our lives are full of chaos and turmoil from time to time , but in the end we always learn and grow wiser and stronger no matter what our life's situation may be.

I have been a Robert Frost fan since I discover him in my journalism class in High School. He is a writer I always felt that I was in tune with. The words he wrote always poured forth with such emotion. Like a song that was unsung. Here is one that I always favored......


TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that, the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

-Robert Frost

The Road Not Taken

Transparent hearts shatter too....................
Topic: Tara's Ramblings

I have always prided myself in being different. I had always gone out of my way to try to "not" be like everyone else. To still remain human , and to not become a robot like the rest of civilization. I have always tried to keep my heart unguarded, and full of compassion and caring for everyone. I try to not let one bad experience shadow another person. I try to treat everyone I meet with caring respect. And I always try to treat people the way I would like to be treated. I have always been proud of my honesty. I could'nt lie if my life depended on it. I am entirely too transparent for that, and I read like a book.

I have always been a very trusting person. And a lot of people wonder how I can be because they know the hell and heartaches I have been through in my life. And I don't know why I am...I just really don't know any other way to be. No matter how hard I have tried, I just haven't been very successful at throwing up defenses.

Sometimes I really just feel like I am a species that is rare. Like I am the only one. A lot of this comes from rarely finding people that truly understand me. I don't let a lot of people in...so to speak. I have to feel a deep down trust to really start letting people in deeper then the average bot. I listen to my senses a lot, and I always follow my gut instincts. I guess maybe that's why people never understand, me because I rarely let people in.

A friend often fondly referred to me "being like a snail" . When ever I was hurt or misunderstood I would just pull into my shell until I felt it was safe enough to peek out again. I still do this often. I have a unique sense of humor that can often be dry and sarcastic mixed with a charming twist of smart-ass-ism. LOL. But people that know me have come to love it. its just a part of who I am. I will probably remain on the "outside looking in" for the rest of my life. I've been here most of it, and it keeps me out of the "soap opera's" of society....Which is definitely where I would rather be.

A quote that I love....: "If I could be any part of you, I would be your tears. To be conceived in your heart, born in your eyes, live on your cheeks, and die on your lips. "

Just one of those days.......................
Topic: Tara's Ramblings

Have you ever had one of those days that just felt like everything that could go wrong would go wrong? Well, that's my day today...It was odd, I just kind of woke up feeling all off today. Like something just was'nt right.

Then I had a crappy night at work, And I feel like I lost a friend over petty childish drama.
I have always been the type of person to try to talk out problems. Communication is a huge issue for me. Without that there is nothing. I like to talk out problems because then at least I know I tried you know...? And I hate not knowing why someone is mad at me the most...Ok enough venting.


Today I just felt more out of place then my norm. I felt like everything was off course today.I feel like my rut is never going to pass. My soul is searching the endless horizons for its mate. My mind is keeping me occupied so I don't dwell on it so much. And my heart is healing and purifying itself. I have been taking a breather and slowly recharging myself. I am starting to work out a bit hoping getting myself into shape again will raise up my self esteem a bit..Got to be happy with yourself to be happy with others right?

And I have been thinking a lot about a new special friend a lot, someone who's brain fascinates me and compels me to dive into myself again. Thank you...

Soul Traveling......................
Topic: Tara's Ramblings
Have you ever awakened from your dreams and felt like you had just returned from a distant land. A journey that took you far from home. I spend a lot of time exploring the astral plane with a friend. I love the astral realm. Being a single mom, I don't really get out to much. And I have kind of just stepped back from the dating scene for a while. I figure when its time for me to find someone to love I will find them. I wont rush fate.
This friend that I meet in the astral realm, he and I have a connection that you don't find often. Its a connection that comes along maybe once in a life time. It is a connection that stems so deeply , and its always there wether it is turned down low , or completely up on full power.
There is a place in the realm that I wander to often. it is a sparkling secluded land with a beautiful waterfall that I sit before often. This is where I go to relax. Though most would think I am nuts, and that it is all in my head. It's the place that I can go that I can be completely stress free. And a stress free environment is something that does not exist in my life.

A million & one emotions................
Topic: Tara's Ramblings
The heart is full of emotions, and the soul reaches out to the direction of its mate. Every soul has a beacon that it homes to. Its beacon is usually its mate. The one that answers its specific call...Its rhythm. Have you ever gotten a kiss that heightened every one of your thousands of senses? A million and one emotions from a single kiss? I had a kiss like that once. This was not just some "quick peck on the lips" kiss. This was a kiss that left me high on emotions. It had me not wanting to know if I wanted to laugh or cry. I have only felt a kiss like that from one person in my lifetime.

Emotions are crazy like that. You cant help who you love. Your heart gives you no choice in the matter no matter how hard you fight it. Once your heart and soul are set on that one person, and your soul has found its beacon its hard to convince it otherwise. my soul likes to connect with its beacon while I am in my dreams. And when it does I wake up feeling so happy and refreshed. I love it when my soul just reaches out on its own and brings me peace and tranquility.

Legends............
Topic: Tara's Ramblings
I was sent a ring that really made me think. The ring was a silver Claddagh. The story behind the Claddagh is a beautiful romance the man that created the ring had been taken captive by pirates and he was separated from his fiance. He was a prisoner for 8 years and in these years he had crafted a ring for his beloved that he could not forget about. The heart symbolized love, the crown symbolizes loyalty, and the hands symbolize caring friendship. After being captive for 8 years he finally got free and went back home to to find that his fiance had never married and had waited with hope of his return. He gave her the ring, and they were finally married, and never separated again.

This is the kind of relationship I have been searching for all of my life. Someone that is a friend as well as a lover and loyal. I didn't know wether to take this as a sign or what. Nah...Just another beautiful love story.

Starting over......
Topic: Tara's Ramblings
I have always strived to be my own person. I have always enjoyed being different or called "odd". I am a very caring person and I have a very big heart. But there is an even bigger wall around my heart that I only let down for a few. I always have tried to treat people the way I want to be treated. I treat people with respect backed up with honesty, and caring. As it stands right now there are 2 people in my life that I have allowed to pass through the walls that surround my heart. And both of these people, I feel I have connections with like no one I have known. One has a direct link to my soul and one is a really close friend. I have always been a firm believer in the theory that everything happens for a reason, and that we go through the trials and heartaches of life to prepare us for what the gods really have planned for our lives. But I know the happiness that I feel when my soul merges with the one who holds my heart. I love that feeling of being completely connected. Heres a start......